I hear most people tend to lose devotion to their beliefs when things are good for them and only turn to their religion in troubled times. Not sure what is wrong with me then, because when things get rough for me, I don’t turn to Them. My gods and spirit guides tend to have to nudge at me to get me to respond. They seem to make ridiculous efforts to catch my attention and make me ask for what I need. Truth be known, I don’t know what to ask them for. I know they can’t take away emotional pain. I know that the “God in a basket” thing is only for mythology. I know that tough situations sometimes remain just that, tough and unreasonable people generally remain just that, unreasonable. So what is there left to ask of the Unseen? Revenge??? Well, I have never been one to believe that revenge really fixes anything. Most people who engage in revenge may as well dig a grave for themselves along side those they plot against. There’s a big world of nope I can pass on.
So, what is it about hard times that makes me silent toward my otherworldly family? Is it pride that seals my mouth? Pride that if I had just listened to my gut I wouldn’t be in this fix? Pride damaged because I couldn’t fix it or salvage the situation myself? Is it a sense of abandonment or maybe that I didn’t make the correct offering or the offering just wasn’t good enough or I am not good enough for the gods to bother with? None of these things are true. All of these thoughts well, they are me. They are my anxiety, my fears, my demons dancing in my head and making a fine mess of it as they party along.
In Feri, we are taught demon work is a life long process. True story. The hardest part of demon work is identifying them. Slippery little devils they are. No one likes looking at themselves and admitting they have issues that tissues won’t fix. Yes, internal demons are often times the result of someone else’s blazing personality disorder. I have learned that if you don’t address your little imps, regardless of source, you have a strong possibility of becoming your aggressor without realizing it.
You see, some behaviors are contagious. Including the idea that you have to be perfect before you present yourself to the Gods. No god is asking you to be the unblemished bull. You are not a sacrifice. Okay, maybe, they are requiring you to be an adult. Being an adult sometimes entails that you ask an adultier adult than you for help. So getting back to the ” I don’t know what to ask for” thing. Still don’t know what I am asking for, maybe I should be asking for the compass to stop spinning. True North these days seems to be a mystery, but hey, I am a witch and the road has always been called a crooked one so maybe it shouldn’t matter.
All I know is that I need to find more time at the altar, maybe I don’t need to be the one speaking. . . you know what they say, dress up and show up. I have a date to keep… and the 29th comes quickly. I feel like I have been blind folded on the crooked path with briars in the ditches. Maybe I should turn myself into a hare; hares know what to do with briar. Maybe what I really need to do is call upon Cora and Victor and ask for a new compass. . . maybe a road map as well.